TL;DR: A handheld microcurrent device (from the creators of NuFace) designed to zap your body into shape — at least temporarily.
It’s an age-old question: How can I make my human body look more like a Greek statue of a human body? At seven, Spartan boys left their homes to take on a rigorous series of physical challenges and sometimes-violent games to harden the body and mind, but this seems like an inefficient (and uncomfortable) use of my precious time, which is already occupied by vigorous beauty blogging. It’s 2018, and I want a taut body with much less work than it took 3,000 years ago. Is there a product or a very very extremely low-intensity workout for my lifestyle?
Conveniently, modern technology has given us a handheld device that uses electrical current to zap muscles into a more toned-looking state. It’s NuBody, from the makers of NuFace, the handheld facial device that took professionally administered microcurrent skin-firming treatments DIY. It uses metal spheres to channel electric waves through the skin, which makes it look tighter and tauter. NuBody appropriates the technology for the whole body with four large spheres and a conductive gel to help it glide over your limbs (and stomach and butt). You’re shocking your muscles into vibrating somewhere below the pace of a hummingbird’s heartbeat, and stronger muscles mean lifted skin. This is why lifelong athletes age beautifully — they’re jacked beyond wrinkles. NuFace is a less dramatic alternative for those of us who prefer five minutes of daily electrocution to two hours of daily exercise every day for eternity. Options are a luxury.
I regret to inform you that it is slightly unpleasant — prickly, but not painful, like a brief, intimate encounter with a cactus. Once the results start showing (the brand says you’ll see results after about a month, and to maintain results, you have to use it continuously), though, the process will turn into an addiction. And after about three weeks of diligent daily shock therapy, my butt looks a little more like carved marble, as Zeus intended. I think the Spartans call that Victory.